This ladies and gentleman is what a $4,300 per-hour hooker looks like. And that’s after then-New York Governor Eliot Spitzer talked her price down from $5,500.

Take a long hard stare because the chances of getting with her — or any overpriced hired hole like her for that matter — are about as good as Spitzer ever having make-up sex with his disgraced wife.

It’s just not worth it … literally.

Ever wonder what it’s like to hear R2D2 utter the epic name, “Blogging Boner?”

Fear not.

The glorious droid audio is right here.

Those who say midgets like Kenny Baker have no talent are just dumb. It’s got to be so hard to learn an all-new, far-out intergalactic space language.

He sounds fluent.

And the wagon she’s draggin’ is not fake.

B’dunkadunk.

Blogging Boner wishes Reggie Bush dies or is burned alive so far beyond recognition that he comes out looking like Joel Sonnenberg.

That’ll teach him.

Final thought: Is it even possible to have a fake ass that looks like that? Brazilian butt lift master Dr. Griffin couldn’t even stuff that much junk in a trunk.

Too bad it sucks so hard indoors. Not even Sydney Crosby — or one “Winter Classic” — can change that.

“The world ain’t all sunshine and rainbows. It’s a very mean and nasty place and I don’t care how tough you are it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain’t about how hard ya hit. It’s about how hard you can get it and keep moving forward. How much you can take and keep moving forward. That’s how winning is done! Now if you know what you’re worth then go out and get what you’re worth. But ya gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain’t where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody! Cowards do that and that ain’t you! You’re better than that!”

Blogging Boner just got goose bumps all over. Or were they goose pimples? It’s so hard to tell the difference these days.

The fucking entire nation of Japan is fucking crazy.

Disagree?

Well, how about the masterminds behind the portable office tie, cockroach swatting slippers, hay fever hat, or Blogging Boner’s personal fave, the ten-in-one gardening tool.

You’re telling Blogging Boner these people aren’t fucking crazy? And it’s not just a select few — this mindset is typical of the entire Japanese population.

It’s a fact.

C’mon, these are the same crazy fucks who brainwashed young men back in the 1940s into thinking that Kamikazi missions were en vogue.

Cripes.

The latest crazy fucking thing to come out of “The Land of the Rising Sun” is a portable toilet for cars.

Here’s a snip:

“The toilet comes with a curtain large enough to conceal users and a plastic bag to collect waste.”

Only the heavens know what’s next because these crazy Japanese fucks are as unpredictable as the tectonic faults on which they live.

Blogging Boner does not live anywhere near the “Ring of Fire.” But there are surly rednecks and an overabundance of pedophiles around every corner.

If he was trapped in his car because if these Southern predators do you know where he would relieve himself?

In a Gatorade bottle.

He — and others just like him (kinda) — have been doing it since the large-mouthed containers were introduced circa 1983.

Not like the crazy fucking Japanese would have any clue about that $2 remedy.

Blame no one.
Expect nothing.
Do something.

– Bill Parcells, the loquacious and legendary NFL football coach for the New York Giants, New England Patriots and Dallas Cowboys

PS: What does the pic of UFC ring girl Rachelle Leah have to do with this? Absolutely squat. But if Blogging Boner had to “Do Something” it would be nice to … nevermind.

Blogging Boner isn’t sure what is worse:

The fact that some twisted nut hatched this cruel joke and let it loose across the World Wide Web or the thought that Blogging Boner felt the need to repurpose it on his rad Web site.

Ho-hum.

In addition to being a semi-warped blogger, Blogging Boner also manages his very own fantasy football team.

Thanks to the dope right leg of Dallas Cowboys kicker, Nick Folk, Blogging Boner’s squad, BiggityBonesBrigage, earned the “Premium Player of the Week” from Heineken.

Sounds cool, right? (The Award. Blogging Boner knows his team name is super.)

Well, it’s not all it’s cracked up to be — there’s no free beer, blow-up dolls, er, furniture or other green flair.

Just a lame sign on a Web site that only 10 people read.

So lame, in fact, Blogging Boner had to share it with everyone who doesn’t read this site.

His real name is Robert Otto Marella.

That wasn’t cool enough for pro wrestling fans so he changed it to perhaps the coolest goddamn nickname in the history of cool nicknames.

This tall tale of Monsoon’s childhood sums it up:

“… a terrifying giant from Manchuria. Supposedly born on an isolated farm, ‘Monsoon’ traveled across the countryside with a gypsy caravan wrestling bears, spoke no English, ate raw meat, and drank his victims’ blood.”

There are some cool real names out there.

For example, former defenseman for the New York Rangers of the NHL, Jeff Beukeboom, has a killer last name. Blogging Boner has always been fascinated with that last name since the mid- to-late 1990s for some unknown reason.

Weird.

That’s besides the point. The point is Gorilla Monsoon has the coolest goddamn nickname in the history of cool nicknames.

It’s even better than Blogging Boner.