Things didn’t work out too well for David Blaine last night. Live on national television — before millions of people across the globe — he failed to set the world record for holding his breath underwater.

Undoubtedly, his insatiable ego has taken a major hit. But, that’s not the only thing smarting right about now.

Liver damage, neuropathy, skin rashes and grizzly “prune hands,” to name just a few.

I can’t do my drawerings when I’ve got prune hands!

Couldn’t resist good ole’ Simon. Anywho, here’s a snip from a recent New York Times article:

Though Mr. Blaine had covered his hands with petroleum jelly and worn gloves to provide his hands with some small measure of protection, Dr. Gunel was concerned about swelling and dangerously chafed skin. This, Mr. Scott felt, required his own additional explication: “You know what it’s like to be in a bathtub for an hour?” he said, “Well try that 175 times.”

Blogging Boner would be a bit more concerned about something else after a week-long submersion in 2,000 gallons of saltwater: Shrinkage.

Try explaining that one to the missus over the next few weeks.

I was in the pool! I was in the pool!

The dust is finally starting to settle from the recent 2006 NFL Draft.

Most Texans fans have returned from the ledges, and are now daydreaming about how to inflict bodily harm on new head coach Gary Kubiak and the rest of his family for passing on sure-fire stud Reggie Bush.

Mario Williams? C’mon.

It was an entertaining event. The most interesting since the New York Football Giants mortgaged its future on the arm of socially inept quarterback Eli Manning in 2003.

This upcoming season will be Year Three of the Manning experiment in the Big Apple, and it’s boom or bust time for the shmuck. The honeymoon is over, Eli.

That’s neither here nor there. None of this is, really.

What’s really on the mind of Blogging Boner is ESPN Draft Analyst/Expert Mel Kiper. Who is Mel Kiper? Let’s ask former Indianapolis Colts General Manager Bill Tobin:

He’s never been a player, he’s never been a coach, he’s never been a scout, he’s never been an administrator and all of a sudden he’s an expert. He has no more credentials to do what he’s doing than my neighbor, and my neighbor’s a postman.

That’s good stuff. Especially when almost everyone at home was thinking the same thing. And, most people, including Blogging Boner, feel the same way today.

It’s nowhere near as good, though, than the time Jim Everett dared television host and loud mouth Jim Rome to call him “Chris” one more time during an interview. Naturally, smart-ass Rome obliged, and the Los Angeles Rams quarterback went ape shit on him on live television, flipping a table and nearly smashing his face in.

Back to Mel.

Here’s a guy, who for the better part of two decades, has made a living yapping about college football players for ESPN. He’s well-known, successful, and in all likelihood, filthy rich. Mel even stars in commercials.

Truly, a total ass.

Not because he is bad at what he does. He seems to know what he’s talking about. As he should, because he spends 364 days out of the year getting ready for just one.

On the surface, he appears to be numerical savant — like Rainman, only with terrible hair. He meticulously logs statistics and measurements for thousands of athletes across the nation, and spits them out with veritable ease without consulting any notes.

If he was wrong, it’s not like anyone could even call him on it because the information is sometimes so obscure.

Everything about him, however, is just annoying.

Anyway, the last player selected in the NFL Draft is historically dubbed “Mr. Irrelevant.”

A wide receiver from the University of Maine, Kevin McMahan, was selected this year by the Oakland Raiders with the last pick. Officially, the 2006 NFL Draft’s Mr. Irrelevant.

Unofficially, Mel Kiper should get this award. Not just this year, but for every year that he has been alive.

Because does anyone really listen to a “dog-gone” thing that he says?

Bill Kurtis is a pimp. With a voice like that, how can he not be?

Whenever possible, Blogging Boner is lulled to sleep by his unmistakingly calm and cool delivery.

Ambien, Lunesta, Sonata and the gaggle of other sleep aids on the market today hold no candle to this award-winning narrator.

Not to mention, Bill Kurtis won’t make you do whacky things in your sleep like drink beer, take a spin around the block, or call your ex-girlfriend. Sound crazy? Check out this recent Newsweek article.

He’s the voice of virtually everything good on A&E. And, it’s no coincidence that Blogging Boner can get stuck on that channel when a Cold Case Files marathon is running. Even if he’s seen them all before.

Blogging Boner could listen to him read the phonebook if it came down to it.

He’s that good — kind of like John Facenda from NFL Films.

Bill Kurtis, though, can make you think about whether or not the front door is locked. Or, second guess going out to the car to grab your wallet.

Even when he turns 100, Bill Kurtis can probably pull all sorts of tail with that voice. It’s soothing, yet creepy.

There is only one program on network television that can move a man like Blogging Boner. And, that special show happens to be 24.

Blogging Boner admits that it is grossly unrealistic. The twists and turns are sometimes head-spinning and laughable. And, most of the subplots are meaningless and frustrating.

But, Blogging Boner still watches it because it’s that good.

The show is a rare breed, much like The Sopranos or LOST. The creators drive you mad, but you still tune in every week, month, three years — whatever the case may be.

We’re at their mercy.

Blogging Boner once convinced himself to buy a cell phone because it was the “Jack Bauer phone.”

Now that’s power. Not to mention, pathetic.

At any rate, Blogging Boner is certainly not alone. Check out these Top 100 Jack Bauer Facts.

Because when you wake up in the morning, it’s because Jack Bauer spared your life.

Breaking News: Jack Bauer to appear on LOST. Check out this insane development in contemporary television history right here.